I accidentally had phone sex last night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
