ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
