I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
