i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
