rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
