ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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