Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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