It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just had sex on a roof
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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