So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
