I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
