Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
