He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So squirting runs in the family.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
