2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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