My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
