Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
