I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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