o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
