There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
