Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
