Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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