I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
