I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
