all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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