9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
