Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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