did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
