Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
