I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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