Michael Bay diarrhea
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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