Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
