Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just blew my weed a kiss
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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