Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
as a side note pls kill me
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
