I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
