Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
