my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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