Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
