She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
