Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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