no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize