haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
if only i could text you this smell
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
a search helicopter?!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
