i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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