I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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