Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
