I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
