just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
