I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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