I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
