We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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