He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
