Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
