the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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