Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
