We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
