the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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