I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize