I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize