I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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