I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
