yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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