you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
