Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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