her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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