im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
