i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
God I need to hump something, right now.
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